To my 15 year old self…

To my 15 year old self…

A Facebook memory popped up on my timeline tonight from 10 years ago. You were 15 in those pictures. A freshman in high school. A lot has changed in 10 years. You aren’t who you used to be. Since seeing those photos, I’ve been reflecting on what I wish I could say to you if I could have a conversation with you back then, knowing everything I know now. But since I can’t have a conversation with you, I decided to write you a letter. And though you won’t be able to “read it” at 15, I think it will be a step towards more healing and growth for us. In it, is everything I wished your younger heart deeply knew and believed 10 years ago.

If I had written this letter a few years ago—even a few months ago—I would have said that I hated you. That I hated the girl in those pictures. That I hated the way that she acted and treated those around her. That I hated the way she looked. But I’ve learned a lot recently about self-compassion, viewing ourselves the way that others view us, and most importantly, viewing ourselves the way that God sees us.

And from that place, looking at those pictures from 10 years ago, I don’t hate the girl that I see. I have come to view that girl tenderly, with love and compassion. I see a girl who is close to and has a deep connection with her friends, in spite of her social and speech anxiety. I see a girl who’s hair is down. (If you don’t know yet, you started wearing your hair up about 5 years ago and rarely wear it down because you think it’s ugly). But something that hasn’t changed, is that even though your hair is down in those pictures, I still see that you aren’t content with your physical appearance. I see you comparing yourself to your friends and seeing yourself as less than. I see you believing the lies that you aren’t pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough. I see that you feel rejected, scared and alone. I see you longing to be loved, but instead of being loved, I see you building walls of self protection so high so that you won’t hurt more than you are already hurting. Those walls of self protection that you built…are so high…they are taking years to tear down and I really wonder if they will ever fully be torn down. I’m hoping we will get there someday…

What do I wish you would have believed about yourself back then?

I wish you would have believed that you were strong. Stronger than you realized.

I wish you would have believed that you were incredibly intelligent, you just learned a little differently than those around you, which is okay and actually pretty normal.

I wish you would have believed that you were capable. Capable of being good at soccer, school, and having healthy relationships with friends and family.

I wish you would have believed that you were attractive and desirable, but even more than that, I wish you would have believed that you were worthy. Worthy of love and affection. This is still something we have a hard time believing, but we’ve made a lot of progress and will continue to do so.

What do I wish you would have done more of?

I wish you would have spoken more. You let all the fear and shame silence you. I wish you hadn’t of done that. That fear and shame continues to silence us. But is something else we have made a lot of progress in. There is still more healing and wholeness to come.

What do I wish you would have known?

I wish you would have known how brave you are. The bravery and the courage that you hold in your heart outmatches all the fear that you carry.

I wish you would have known, deeply known, the goodness, grace, and love of God’s character. I wish you would have known that He was with you—with you in your darkness, brokenness, dysfunction, shame, and condemnation. I wish you would have known His heart for you in the midst of struggling through all of that.

I want you to know that you have come a long way and that you are, always have been, and will always be—beloved.

With love to the younger me,

Your 25 year old self